Hello friends/readers
My INTERNET CONNECTION NETWORK is unable to get any connection to my laptop. Therefore, i'm using my sister's laptop instead to blog. :D !
As you all know, life was rather down for me a few days back. Things were not at it's proper place. Things were all misplaced. Terribly misplaced. However, after my shouting and screaming (as mentioned on my previous entry) i felt much much better. :D ! Alhamdulilah. (Thank god).
Oh, let's update. Well, i didn't went to school today. Partly, i was sick ( i went to the doctor and he claims that my lungs are rather tight due to the phlegm) and another reason was, i didn't quiet get a good night yesterday. Don't ask me WHY as i don't want anyone to know it except my parents. Hmm.
Ya, did nothing much today either. Just that, i've been reading the Jodi Picoult novel i've bought a few days back. In a few hours time, i'm starting on for my english homework. Oh well. I think i better get going. :D ! Bye people.
IM NEVER BORED WITH YOU BUT WITH THE WORDS YOU CHOOSE.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I WAS WALKING ALONE ON A LONELY PATH. I CRIED ALONE. NO BODY WAS BESIDE ME. NO ONE WAS THERE TO COMFORT ME. THE ONLY LIVING THINGS I CAN SEE WAS BIRDS SINGING HAPPILY, BIRDS FLYING HIGH UP ON THE SKY FREELY AS THOUGH LIFE WAS JUST SO PERFECT, TREES STANDING TALL AS THOUGH CONFIDENCE WAS ALL AROUND IT AND NOTHING CAN MAKES IT FALL. ALL THIS ARE JUST DIRECTLY THE OPPOSITE OF ME.
TEARS STREAMS DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEVER CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS THE MAIN REASON I WAS CRYING. I DID A LITTLE INFERENCE TO MYSELF. THE SOURCE WAS MY TEARS AND MY INFERENCE WAS I WAS DOWN AS THE EVIDENCE WAS MY TEARS ONLY LEFT WAS MY EXPLAINATION. I MISSED MY EXPLAINATION AND THAT MAKES ME MORE DOWN.
FOR A MOMENT, I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF. ONLY MYSELF. NO LONGER ANYONE ELSE. NOT MY BOYFRIEND, NOT MY FAMILY, NOT MY FRIENDS AND NOT EVEN MY IMAGINATION. MYSELF, EXTRA ATTENTION JUST TO MYSELF! I'M SICK! SICK OF PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELING. TO BE SPECIFIC, HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ME WHEN I FAILED TO THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. WHICH I REALISE IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I SHOULD TAKE NOTE OF. SO FOR A MOMENT, NOTHING, NOTHING ELSE IS IMPORTANT TO ME EXCEPT MYSELF.
SUDDENLY, MY WALKING CAME TO AN END. IT'S ONLY THAN I REALISED, I HAVE BEEN WALKING SO FAR. VERY FAR THAT THERE WASN'T ANYMORE PATH FOR ME TO CONTINUE WALKING. I KNEEL DOWN. OPEN MY ARMS WIDE AND CLOSE MY EYES. "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" THAT'S THE ONLY SOUND I PRODUCED. IT WAS LOUD BUT WAS NOT LOUD ENOUGH TO SHAKE THE WORLD.
THE VIBRATION OF MY MOBILE PHONE BRINGS ME BACK TO THE REALITY. IT WAS A CALL FROM MY BOYFRIEND. I IGNORED. VIBRATION STOPS. LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES, IT VIBRATES AGAIN. THIS TIME IT WAS MY PARENTS. I ANSWERED THE PHONE.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" I HEARD MY MUM'S VOICE ON THE OTHER LINE. ANGRY, I CAN INFER SHE WAS.
"ON MY WAY HOME." I LIED. IT'S OBVIOUS I WAS NOT SPEAKING THE TRUTH AS I WAS ACTUALLY AT A PLACE I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH, AND WAS SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT.
MUM HANG UP. I CRIED. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED, I WAS SUPPOSE TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF OR AT LEAST TRY TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF. SO I ASK MYSELF QUESTION AFTER QUESTION. ANSWERS WAS DIRECT, SO AT LEAST I DO UNDERSTAND MYSELF AT LEAST 90%. UNTILL, A QUESTION POP OUTS, "WHAT DO I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF?"
I COULD NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION. MY EYES SWELLS UP AGAIN. HOW COULD I FEEL NOTHING? I SHOULD BE FEELING SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF, SHOULDN'T I? IT'S ONLY I UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF WAS LIMITED. LIMITED TO THE EXTENT THAT THERE WAS A PART OF ME THAT HATED MYSELF. IT'S WHEN I PROMISE MYSELF, "THE FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF WILL CHANGE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW OTHERS FEELS ABOUT ME ANYMORE. I NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF BEFORE OTHERS CAN. THEREFORE, I WILL THE BIRD, THE BIRD THAT'S SINGING HAPPILY. THE BIRD THAT WAS FLYING FREELY HIGH UP THE SKY AS THOUGH LIFE WAS PERFECT. THE MOST IMPORTANT WAS THE TREES STANDING TALL AS THOUGH CONFIDENCE WAS ALL AROUND IT AND NOBODY CAN MAKE THEM FALL!" THAT'S WHEN I UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
TEARS STREAMS DOWN MY CHEEKS. I NEVER CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS THE MAIN REASON I WAS CRYING. I DID A LITTLE INFERENCE TO MYSELF. THE SOURCE WAS MY TEARS AND MY INFERENCE WAS I WAS DOWN AS THE EVIDENCE WAS MY TEARS ONLY LEFT WAS MY EXPLAINATION. I MISSED MY EXPLAINATION AND THAT MAKES ME MORE DOWN.
FOR A MOMENT, I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF. ONLY MYSELF. NO LONGER ANYONE ELSE. NOT MY BOYFRIEND, NOT MY FAMILY, NOT MY FRIENDS AND NOT EVEN MY IMAGINATION. MYSELF, EXTRA ATTENTION JUST TO MYSELF! I'M SICK! SICK OF PAYING TOO MUCH ATTENTION OF OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELING. TO BE SPECIFIC, HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ME WHEN I FAILED TO THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF. WHICH I REALISE IT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I SHOULD TAKE NOTE OF. SO FOR A MOMENT, NOTHING, NOTHING ELSE IS IMPORTANT TO ME EXCEPT MYSELF.
SUDDENLY, MY WALKING CAME TO AN END. IT'S ONLY THAN I REALISED, I HAVE BEEN WALKING SO FAR. VERY FAR THAT THERE WASN'T ANYMORE PATH FOR ME TO CONTINUE WALKING. I KNEEL DOWN. OPEN MY ARMS WIDE AND CLOSE MY EYES. "ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" THAT'S THE ONLY SOUND I PRODUCED. IT WAS LOUD BUT WAS NOT LOUD ENOUGH TO SHAKE THE WORLD.
THE VIBRATION OF MY MOBILE PHONE BRINGS ME BACK TO THE REALITY. IT WAS A CALL FROM MY BOYFRIEND. I IGNORED. VIBRATION STOPS. LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES, IT VIBRATES AGAIN. THIS TIME IT WAS MY PARENTS. I ANSWERED THE PHONE.
"WHERE ARE YOU?" I HEARD MY MUM'S VOICE ON THE OTHER LINE. ANGRY, I CAN INFER SHE WAS.
"ON MY WAY HOME." I LIED. IT'S OBVIOUS I WAS NOT SPEAKING THE TRUTH AS I WAS ACTUALLY AT A PLACE I'M NOT FAMILIAR WITH, AND WAS SCREAMING MY LUNGS OUT.
MUM HANG UP. I CRIED. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED, I WAS SUPPOSE TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF OR AT LEAST TRY TO UNDERSTAND MYSELF. SO I ASK MYSELF QUESTION AFTER QUESTION. ANSWERS WAS DIRECT, SO AT LEAST I DO UNDERSTAND MYSELF AT LEAST 90%. UNTILL, A QUESTION POP OUTS, "WHAT DO I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF?"
I COULD NOT ANSWER THE QUESTION. MY EYES SWELLS UP AGAIN. HOW COULD I FEEL NOTHING? I SHOULD BE FEELING SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF, SHOULDN'T I? IT'S ONLY I UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF WAS LIMITED. LIMITED TO THE EXTENT THAT THERE WAS A PART OF ME THAT HATED MYSELF. IT'S WHEN I PROMISE MYSELF, "THE FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF WILL CHANGE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW OTHERS FEELS ABOUT ME ANYMORE. I NEED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF BEFORE OTHERS CAN. THEREFORE, I WILL THE BIRD, THE BIRD THAT'S SINGING HAPPILY. THE BIRD THAT WAS FLYING FREELY HIGH UP THE SKY AS THOUGH LIFE WAS PERFECT. THE MOST IMPORTANT WAS THE TREES STANDING TALL AS THOUGH CONFIDENCE WAS ALL AROUND IT AND NOBODY CAN MAKE THEM FALL!" THAT'S WHEN I UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
SORRY MR TAN D':
Hello friends/readers.
STRESS is piling up!! Let me list down things i need to do:
STRESS is piling up!! Let me list down things i need to do:
- English comprehension FUYOW practice 1.
- POA incomplete records qn 6 & 7.
- NEW THEME art essay. (KNS)
- NEW THEME art RESEARCH + OLD THEME art RESEARCH.
- Revise maths test (LOCI & TRANSFORMATION).
STRESS is totaly stacking up especially for ART! My old theme idea is basically aren't gonna work, however, Mr Tan stills wants me to continue with the research which i am currently doing. D: GOD HELP ME! D:
Ok enough of the PILING UP OF STRESS. I shall continue updating. :D !
Today school was rather dull i can say? Had ART for the first lesson and i can sense, in fact eunice also sense that Mr Tan was pissed off with me. I'm dead! Haiz. After that was geog, had test, damn dead!
Physics was rather fun. As usual! English was fun too. SS was beginning to a dead lesson. We miss mdm yehidah. D: Than mother tounge, was okay lah.
After school had to attend detention. So ya, attend 2 hours of it and than off to JE to get myself mah jong paper for art and off home. Now, i'm at home, stressing about art. D': ! Nevermind, internet shall help me. ;D
Friday, February 15, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Hello friends/readers
School was great today. Had a blast of laughter. All thanks to Bing Hui and Siti. :D !
Bing Hui with his ECONOMAL word. :D ! Siti with her CRAPS. :D !
After school went to collect class tee. 43 pieces, finally done. :D !
Off home and help my brother with his project.
Than off to clementi and home. :D !
HOW MUCH I HATE HIS UPCOMING SPECIAL DAY . D';
School was great today. Had a blast of laughter. All thanks to Bing Hui and Siti. :D !
Bing Hui with his ECONOMAL word. :D ! Siti with her CRAPS. :D !
After school went to collect class tee. 43 pieces, finally done. :D !
Off home and help my brother with his project.
Than off to clementi and home. :D !
HOW MUCH I HATE HIS UPCOMING SPECIAL DAY . D';
Saturday, February 9, 2008
AROUND SINGAPORE ;D
Hello friends/readers
First of all, i've made a promised to dad that i won't disappoint him anymore. And that's include spending most of my time studying hard. :D
Dad bought me 8GB ipod nano yesterday. I was so happy. :D ! Who wouldn't? HAHA! So ya :D !
Well, nothing much done today though. >.< ! Just that went out to meet the girls (hidayu and syafinah) at bugis and off to study , did manage to finish my maths homework. After that off to bugis street than off to city hall. :D !Here's the best part, city hall! We actually get ourselves lost. What the hell?
All thanks to our dear Kak Hidayu. She actually brought us around the whole city hall area. :D :D LOL LOL! My leg was already kinda bleeding due to blister and yet.. oh man! We walk and walk, and finally we get back to the right path. LOL! Than off home, separate from the girls at the MRT station. And the paiseyy thing is that, i wanted to go down through the going up escalator.
DAMN IT! Every one was looking at me lahh. SHIT! Hehe.
Now, i'm at home. Blogging. :D :D !
PS: I over heard, daddy saying that that i'm might moving out from bukit batok to another location, where, i'm not sure. D': !
IF ONLY I COULD EXPLAIN THOSE UNEXPLAIN WORDS.
First of all, i've made a promised to dad that i won't disappoint him anymore. And that's include spending most of my time studying hard. :D
Dad bought me 8GB ipod nano yesterday. I was so happy. :D ! Who wouldn't? HAHA! So ya :D !
Well, nothing much done today though. >.< ! Just that went out to meet the girls (hidayu and syafinah) at bugis and off to study , did manage to finish my maths homework. After that off to bugis street than off to city hall. :D !Here's the best part, city hall! We actually get ourselves lost. What the hell?
All thanks to our dear Kak Hidayu. She actually brought us around the whole city hall area. :D :D LOL LOL! My leg was already kinda bleeding due to blister and yet.. oh man! We walk and walk, and finally we get back to the right path. LOL! Than off home, separate from the girls at the MRT station. And the paiseyy thing is that, i wanted to go down through the going up escalator.
DAMN IT! Every one was looking at me lahh. SHIT! Hehe.
Now, i'm at home. Blogging. :D :D !
PS: I over heard, daddy saying that that i'm might moving out from bukit batok to another location, where, i'm not sure. D': !
IF ONLY I COULD EXPLAIN THOSE UNEXPLAIN WORDS.
Friday, February 8, 2008
LIFE.
Life is never explainable. Cause, no one witness your life, except you.
Oh god, i was attack by this sudden thought of my long lost friend. A friend i had when i was primary 6. Almost 5 years. Wow! His name was unique. He was too hot to be believe that his an indonesian. I've always thought he was a japanese or a korean at least, when actually he was from Jakarta, i suppose. I forgotten where his from but not his face. At least, how he looks like 5 years ago. LOL! :D ! Fazrina will agree with me if she read this.
Abang (brother) , that was what i call him. Norika, that was the name he gave to me. Norhidah was too difficult for him to say, he explained. Norika sounds nicer he told. And that was the name he called me through out the one year being close together with him. :D ! Bonded, brother and sister i suppose. :D !
Now, Norika still exist but the only thing was there's no more him to call me that name. I'm left with my real name , Norhidah. The name everyone believe in. All left now is memories, memories of 5 years ago when every morning, without fail, he will shout 'Norika' smile and laugh with me. And how much i regret of not being there, for the last time for him to call me 'Norika' for the very last time before he go, go back to his country and never comes back.
And i lost him. Lost a brother, i had 5 years ago which i still remember. Does he? All i know, things was just not the same. Oh, i miss him. Norika, the one calling me this name now is only Fazrina, yet, it was never the same as he did.
:D
Oh god, i was attack by this sudden thought of my long lost friend. A friend i had when i was primary 6. Almost 5 years. Wow! His name was unique. He was too hot to be believe that his an indonesian. I've always thought he was a japanese or a korean at least, when actually he was from Jakarta, i suppose. I forgotten where his from but not his face. At least, how he looks like 5 years ago. LOL! :D ! Fazrina will agree with me if she read this.
Abang (brother) , that was what i call him. Norika, that was the name he gave to me. Norhidah was too difficult for him to say, he explained. Norika sounds nicer he told. And that was the name he called me through out the one year being close together with him. :D ! Bonded, brother and sister i suppose. :D !
Now, Norika still exist but the only thing was there's no more him to call me that name. I'm left with my real name , Norhidah. The name everyone believe in. All left now is memories, memories of 5 years ago when every morning, without fail, he will shout 'Norika' smile and laugh with me. And how much i regret of not being there, for the last time for him to call me 'Norika' for the very last time before he go, go back to his country and never comes back.
And i lost him. Lost a brother, i had 5 years ago which i still remember. Does he? All i know, things was just not the same. Oh, i miss him. Norika, the one calling me this name now is only Fazrina, yet, it was never the same as he did.
:D
Thursday, February 7, 2008
I'M BACK ;D
Hello friends/readers
It's been a long time since i blog, i suppose eh?
Well, ya, been kinda busy lately. Ya in case you don't realise, my last post was about my parents forgiving me, so ya, that's mean i'm having some kind of problem at home. But, glad to know, it is all kinda over now except for a little tiny bit of it.
Let's talk about today can we? Well, did nothing much. Woke up rather early for a holiday day actually. I mean, after those long school days, i should give myself some sort of REST. LOL! ;D
So, ya woke up, breakfast and off to the television :D ! Can't really help it, too many good shows are up :D !
Decided to spend the all day finishing my homework but nah, i cancel the thought. LOL! My elder sister brought me, my younger sister and my maid to the new Changi Airport Terminal 3. Well, i can say,it's huge that's all. LOL! ;D . Had lunch at kopitiam and off to have ben & jerry's ice cream. :D ! Than, off to buy mum and dad's dinner and off home.
Well at home, watch the MEET THE SPARTON(s). It was great, awesome combination. LOL! Than watch ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS. It wa cute. :D ! And now, off to the lappie. :D!
NIGHT NIGHT ALL. :D!
IF ONLY I COULD SING YOU A SONG.
It's been a long time since i blog, i suppose eh?
Well, ya, been kinda busy lately. Ya in case you don't realise, my last post was about my parents forgiving me, so ya, that's mean i'm having some kind of problem at home. But, glad to know, it is all kinda over now except for a little tiny bit of it.
Let's talk about today can we? Well, did nothing much. Woke up rather early for a holiday day actually. I mean, after those long school days, i should give myself some sort of REST. LOL! ;D
So, ya woke up, breakfast and off to the television :D ! Can't really help it, too many good shows are up :D !
Decided to spend the all day finishing my homework but nah, i cancel the thought. LOL! My elder sister brought me, my younger sister and my maid to the new Changi Airport Terminal 3. Well, i can say,it's huge that's all. LOL! ;D . Had lunch at kopitiam and off to have ben & jerry's ice cream. :D ! Than, off to buy mum and dad's dinner and off home.
Well at home, watch the MEET THE SPARTON(s). It was great, awesome combination. LOL! Than watch ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS. It wa cute. :D ! And now, off to the lappie. :D!
NIGHT NIGHT ALL. :D!
IF ONLY I COULD SING YOU A SONG.
Friday, February 1, 2008
LIFE WASN'T AS EASY AS I THOUGHT.
A NOTE:
Mum/Dad.
I need nothing else. All i need now is, please say you still love me.
There's nothing i can ask either than please accept me again. A little space in your heart will make me more than contented.
There's nothing i can explain either than a simple apology.
You always said, you aren't given a space in my heart, when deep down, you're the only one i treasure most. Nothing one else.
If only you could see how much i respected you. If only you could understand the reasons behind what i did. If only you could forgive me and hug me once again. If only you could kiss me and say "take care" just like you used to. If only i could reverse time. However, everything was just, IF ONLY.
When you shouted at me, when you screamed at me. I timidly sat down wondering curiously what's actually happening? Will there never be at least a bit of forgiveness for me? It's up to you, up to you to decide.
I never know LIFE IS THIS HARD. How long can i stand? In other words, how much TIME am i LEFT with?
I tried to smile, laugh, and all sorts of happiness to make me back to myself, but thinking of you, nothing much had changed. My feelings was still how i felt yesterday.
To you it's huge, to me it's small. But, all it is, i realise the mistake i made. TO LIE. But, will a single LIE make you LOST trust on me FOREVER? ...
Boyfriend.
D':
Mum/Dad.
I need nothing else. All i need now is, please say you still love me.
There's nothing i can ask either than please accept me again. A little space in your heart will make me more than contented.
There's nothing i can explain either than a simple apology.
You always said, you aren't given a space in my heart, when deep down, you're the only one i treasure most. Nothing one else.
If only you could see how much i respected you. If only you could understand the reasons behind what i did. If only you could forgive me and hug me once again. If only you could kiss me and say "take care" just like you used to. If only i could reverse time. However, everything was just, IF ONLY.
When you shouted at me, when you screamed at me. I timidly sat down wondering curiously what's actually happening? Will there never be at least a bit of forgiveness for me? It's up to you, up to you to decide.
I never know LIFE IS THIS HARD. How long can i stand? In other words, how much TIME am i LEFT with?
I tried to smile, laugh, and all sorts of happiness to make me back to myself, but thinking of you, nothing much had changed. My feelings was still how i felt yesterday.
To you it's huge, to me it's small. But, all it is, i realise the mistake i made. TO LIE. But, will a single LIE make you LOST trust on me FOREVER? ...
Boyfriend.
I've fail. Fail in the battle of ours.
Time is running short for me, i suppose. Will we ever make it till the end?
Sometimes, i felt like, running, running away from you. To hide the feelings i feels, not to show mine sorrows. But, u insisted for me to stay and tell you every little things.
If only i could tell you every single things i'm suffering in. But, please, it's IF ONLY. Now, i'm keeping it all to myself. Please don't force me, i beg you.
To you, i wish, please, no matter how much time i am left with, all i need you to know is that mummy and daddy doesn't hate you so did i. All they want is, you, you to make your future the best. They loves you. Please take care of them for mine sake?...
D':
D':
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